If ever there was a person or driver who is not suitable to write about cars, i.e. 4-wheel vehicles, I can claim without any doubt to be that guy (call me a man). I might as well start with my claims to fame with changing my car’s flat tyre and putting back the same flat tyre. If the car stops working, I can check the tyres and fuel and, well, that’s it. I was once unable to open the bonnet because I couldn’t find the catch.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, one needs a vehicle or veldskoen if you want to go into the bush. Remember, Africa is a tough country. The choices are endless. This article was not sponsored by Land Rover or Toyota, so I can let my thoughts and intelligent wisecracks meander through the bushes and waters of our beautiful land. My favourite quote: “Some people take their 4×4 on holiday” (Helga). To those people, I cannot give any good advice, they will know better. If you use your vehicle to get to places to see and enjoy, this is it.

Choosing a vehicle, i.e. 4×4, one must keep in mind that “Everybody has something good inside them. Some hide it, some neglect it, but it is there” (Mother Teresa). May I add that all vehicles have something good inside them (Land Cruiser), some hide it (Land Rover), some people (Pompie) neglect them, but it is there. If you go to Rehoboth a Tazz will do, but if you want to go where the road is kak, thick sand, big stones, deep water or mud, you might need something bulkier and stronger. If you think of going to places where no vehicle can go, except the above-mentioned, do not go there, you will end up cutting your holiday short. If you are lucky enough to stop somebody who will/can help you, you will mess up their holiday as well.

“Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route” (Steven Wright). Or maybe not. Drinking and driving is not the best way of doing any road trip. The problems you will end up with will include getting lost, stuck or caught by the police. Rather wait till you reach your destination, sit down, have a beer and let your wife serve you dinner next to the campfire.

“Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly” (G.K. Chesterton). If you are one of those fortunate people who have too much money, take a trip in an aircraft or hot air balloon. The view is usually fabulous, and you will not get stuck in the mud or sand.

“All great adventures have moments that are really crap” (Ellen Potter). This is almost inevitable. Getting stuck, lost or killed by a lion are some of these. With a GPS in every vehicle or a cell phone at hand, it might not be that common nowadays but remember there is always a possibility that there might not be a signal.

“In art one cannot have too much patience” (Vincent van Gogh). Some 4×4 drivers will tell you off-road driving is an art. For most of us it is not, it’s just lekker and difficult. First, do a recce of where is east and west, most of the time the sun will rise in the east and set in the west. From here onwards it is quite easy, but if you still cannot find your way you are truly lost. Most importantly, take enough water and petrol when you set off on any journey, even if you think you cannot get lost. A flat tyre is quite easy, change it (remember not to put the same flat tyre back on). If you do not have a spare, fix the tyre, if you cannot fix it, call for help.

Getting stuck in the sand is a strong possibility in the desert. The best solution is to go with a companion who knows how to drive in the sand so that he can save you. When the obstacle is water, take a tjoep (inner tube) with and swim out to dry land and walk till you have cell phone signal and can call somebody for help. Mud can be rather challenging if nobody is in sight (for days); wait for the mud to dry, drive out and continue your journey.

“Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm” (Winston Churchill). Enthusiasm and patience – “Geduld is n stadige manier om jou moer te strip” (Johan Bakkes) – are probably your best travel companions, that is apart from good company. If I get into a situation where I realise I am lost or my petrol tank is running low, I tend to drive faster and become incredibly quiet (from failure to failure). Whatever you do, you must always have a plan B. There is nothing as efficient to calm your nerves as a beer or a cigarette.

The easy part of travelling is choosing your entertainment (music). “One of the tragedies of real life is that there is no background music” (Annie Proulx, Shipping News). I prefer Dylan, Springsteen or Kristofferson, but whoever your favourite is, you can vary the volume depending on your company. If by any chance you do not have any form of music you can do the singing yourself.

Drive safely. TNN